I was reading an article in a magazine the other day about the Mommy Wars. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, it's the battle between Stay At Home Moms and Working Moms. I'm so tired of the guilt trips on both sides. Why do we need to put each other down for our choices?
I've been on both sides and can say that each CHOICE is challenging. I emphasized the word, choice, because ultimately, that's what it is.
I know that there are some situations where staying at home is not an option. Some Moms have to work for their families to survive. I am choosing not to focus on this group because they don't have the choice. They have to work. So, let's just assume that everyone has a choice to make.
Working Moms
There are a lot of women out there who like having the challenges that a work environment provides. They like that they are showing their daughters that they can "have it all." You know what? Good for them! They've made the choice to work and that's great for them!
I've been there. After Jacob was born, I made the choice to go back to work. I never really thought about staying home. Jacob could come to work with me and I could look in on him anytime that I wanted. I felt that it was the perfect situation.
There were more than a few people who tried to convince me that I was, in essence, destroying my family. Why would I want someone else to raise my kid when I didn't have to work. They had made the choice to stay home and felt that I was making the wrong choice to continue to work. Not only that, but I was being selfish. It was selfish of me to want to challenge myself by working.
I was filled with tremendous guilt in these situations. Why? Because I had made a choice that I felt was best for me and my family and I hadn't made the same choice they had? I enjoyed being able to talk to adults on a daily basis. I enjoyed the friendships that came from working. I enjoyed my job. Period.
After Daniel was born, everything seemed to change. Going to work was hard. The kids were always on my mind. I couldn't see Jacob as much as I used to because he was older and he'd cry when I left the room. I was exhausted and it became too difficult to "do it all," and the kids weren't getting the best of me anymore, and neither was my class. So, at the end of the school year, I quit.
Stay At Home Moms
Against popular belief, staying at home to raise your kids is a full time job. 24/7. No days off. You are always on call and it doesn't matter how tired or sick you are, you have to deal. Many women make considerable financial sacrifices for what they feel is the best choice for their families.
Again, I've gotten the guilt trips from well meaning working moms who tell me that I've lost myself in my kids. Don't I want to better myself and be a role model for my kids? I can be strong and successful by working!
For me, knowing that I'm not going to have to scurry around, call in, leave in the middle of the day, whatever, if there's a snow day, if they are sick, or if one of the kids need to come home early from school is comforting. I like being available if one of the kids needs me. I like picking up the kids at the end of the school day and being able to get the exciting news of their day. I like being able to console them if they've had a bad day.
Don't get me wrong, making friends is a lot harder now. I definitely have to make a bigger effort to find activities for myself and the kids. It can definitely be isolating, but for me, right now, it's more than worth it.
Back to Work?
Mike and I have discussed the option of my going back to work when Hannah's in school. I'm faced with the question of whether I really want to. I really like being at home. Call me old fashioned, but I like being able to make home made meals for my family every night. I like being around, and I know Mike likes me being around.
Does that make me lazy? I don't know. What I do know is taking care of my family is the most important job of all. Right now, I need to stay home to do that. I don't think that I can do it and work at the same time. At least not right now.
Bottom Line
Working or staying at home is a CHOICE. You have to do what's best for you and your family. Do you work? Do you stay home? Either way, good for you! But I'm not going to let anyone tell me that I'm blowing my choice. If I ultimately choose to continue to stay at home or if I choose to go back to work, it'll be whatever is in the best interests of me and my family.
Why can't we all support the decisions and choices we make for our families without all of the guilt trips? Why does it have to be all or nothing?
3 comments:
With all due respect, babies and little kids need lots of love and cuddles. You can choose to do it yourself or you can choose to pay to have someone else do it. In the scheme of things, it's such a short time. The choice is obviously the mom's. I never knew if God was going to bless me with children and when He did, the choice was to spend that time with them. When they are so young, they are so impressionable. It's my job to train them so they will be equiped for life. I really have a list of things I want them to know and my husband and I are the ones to teach that. It's a values thing. You decide as a family what is important. What size your house is. What kind of school you will send your kid to. If you will attend church and which one. How you spend money as a family. Hopefully, you think about the "why" behind it all.
You are preaching to the choir here. I am the queen of "Hannah's not going to preschool this year because she's too young. She needs to be with me."
My point was, why do we (and I'm using this term in general, not to anyone specifically) have to attack each other? Why do working moms feel the need to put SAHM's down because they're not out "being an example to our daughters" and why do SAHM's put working mothers down for choosing to work outside of the home?
Again, it's a values thing. People in general fight about the things they feel the most strongly about. Mommies are certainly a group but so are conservatives, liberals, muslims, Christians, etc. When someone disagrees with someone else's core values, there are strong feelings. SAHMs have specific reasons based on their family values why they stay home. Working moms have specific reasons based on their family values why they work. Generally, when you get on the subject with either, you get their prepared speech why.
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